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In which I begin hunting demons

  Note: I am fine right now. These are memories, not current events. Content warning: depression, suicide, self-harm  Today is Friday, January 28, 2022 and this year is the 11th year I have grappled with a rather severe mental illness that almost took my life.  Rather, I almost took my life just to end the pain. But it didn’t happen and I am still here, even though the pain continues. Fine…this is what I am. I accept it. I just don’t want it to rule my life anymore. I want to find all those demons, look them in the face, and laugh. Dark humor makes a lot of people in The Cult of Happy very uncomfortable, but for me, dark humor is the most life affirming humor there is. Dark humor means you have faced your demons, you have laughed in their faces, and you have survived.  I have a condition called Persistent Depressive Disorder, also known as dysthymia. Basically, my default mood is depressed. Picture a line from -10 to +10; Zero is neutral–not happy but not sad, positi...
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Demons part 2

(Let me back up and point something out in that previous paragraph: I was diagnosed in my mid-20s at which time, I could get medical help. Two suicide attempts which led to a stay in a secured psychiatric facility and there was still no medical diagnosis and treatment until several years later.) Everyone gets depressed because situations can also cause a person to get depressed. A person’s brain can be absolutely perfectly balanced biochemically, but if the life situation is bad–unemployment, chronically ill child, unhappy relationship, grief over the death of a loved one–a person is going to be sad. But with situational depression, if the situation can be changed, the depression goes away. Some of you may know the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Managing chronic depression is similar: what is caused by my own behavior/mood, what is caused by external factors, and ...
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