Demons part 2
(Let me back up and point something out in that previous paragraph: I was diagnosed in my mid-20s at which time, I could get medical help. Two suicide attempts which led to a stay in a secured psychiatric facility and there was still no medical diagnosis and treatment until several years later.)
Everyone gets depressed because situations can also cause a person to get depressed. A person’s brain can be absolutely perfectly balanced biochemically, but if the life situation is bad–unemployment, chronically ill child, unhappy relationship, grief over the death of a loved one–a person is going to be sad. But with situational depression, if the situation can be changed, the depression goes away.
Some of you may know the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Managing chronic depression is similar: what is caused by my own behavior/mood, what is caused by external factors, and how to tell the difference. It takes a lot of will, a lot of time, and a hell of a lot of energy. Y’all wonder why I’m tired all the time?
In short, I’m trying to spend what is left of my life learning from the mistakes of the past. In 2012, I experienced a chronic depression which went all the way down to -9.5, and it didn’t go away for years. Years..You see, once I realized that my default mood was “depression”, I assumed all my depression was biochemical, and that only my unbalanced brain was making the rest of ordinary life’s setbacks so unbearable. But In 2017, my workplace had had enough and It cost me my job. It almost cost me my house. I haven’t recovered from this setback even though getting fired is probably what saved my life.
On March 31, 2017, I woke up to find a voice mail on my phone from Human Resources informing me that my position had been eliminated, computer and building access revoked, and all my personal belongings were going to be sent to the address on file.
I wasn’t surprised, honestly. It is a testament to how much they actually liked me and remembered the pre-2012 me. I immediately felt a new type of despair–middle-aged and unemployed. Shit, what do I do? Looking for a job is so soul crushing. That feeling lasted about three seconds and I shed a single tear but that was followed by unexpected relief. I had no idea how much my workplace was making me depressed but it was so liberating to not have to act anymore. My mood changed from a minus seven to about minus four. Not nearly as bad I had felt before, but still not feeling like my “ordinary” self.
The financial situation wasn’t as bad as I had expected. A big irony is that my workplace was very compassionate in their firing. They could have fired me for cause, in which case I could not get unemployment benefits, but instead, they eliminated my position, which is considered a layoff. My supervisor, who will always be known as Passive-Aggressive Manager, actually fought very hard to keep my position, citing the need for someone at my level to help deliver the project. Firing me would leave the position available, but not if they laid me off. This was not kindness on his part. I was the highest level engineer under his supervision, and if they got rid of me, there would be no one he could dump all his unwanted tasks on. Relief was followed by smugness that he would have to do his own shit from now on. That brought me joy.